journals
sunday:
today has been as stressfull as always my mother wont stop nagging me and work wasnt that easy either. I get so overwhelmed all the times because mom trys to control my life, i can wait for the day i just leave this place for good and dont need to worry about meeting her standards again. she is a hypocrate. she always wants me to do things for her and he doesnt do anything back in return, i cant even sit down at the dinner table and eat the food that i bought without her complaining about the way i eat. i know dad left her and broke her heart and chance of being someobody but that doesnt mean you take it out on me your son, who believe it or not loves you. if i didnt care and if i didnt love her i would have left a long time ago just like my father but im better then that. im a better person but if this keeps going on im going to leave for good.
monday:
today is the start of the week and i just got home from work. i went out on the fire escape just to escape from the reality of my life and smoke. the feeling of being trapped in a box that is compilled with bubble rap and tightly sealed with tape is how i feel living here. its like there is no way out even when im on the fire escape i still feel trapped inside. i wish someone understood me and how i feel. i want to be young and have fun like every one else my age. i want to hang out on the weekends and come in late and not get questioned by anyone. that would be the perfect life for me. this is not how i want to live my life i dont want to grow up this fast. when i get older i dont want it to be like this. i want to be a cleaned upgentlemen with a nice job and a car, and maybe even a women to call my own. thats all just a normal life with normal rituals and normal expectactions. I want to have kids someday and build my own family, move out of st. louis and have a nice house in the country somewhere away from all the chaous.
tuesday:
today i went to take a load off. i have been stressed passed my limit and i wanted to feel like a young adult again. so i told mom i went to the movies but i really went to the bar and had a couple beers. it made me feel normal again and i like that feeling. i felt free and young. i told her i was going to the movies because she wouldnt aprove of me going out drinking. i know this and i feel like my mother trys to control me. we argue everyday and when i feel like going out for a drink just for a day i have to tell her im going to the movies just to save another argument. shes holding me back from enjoying my years of young adulthood.
thursday:
thank good the week is almost over. one more day before the weekend. my mother keeps nagging me about my smoking habbits and its making me so annoyed. if i want to smoke let me smoke it is the only time i feel one with myself and the world. i had to step out onto the fir escape and all i could hear was the dance hall music from the club that was underneath us. i could see couples kissing and even the reflection of the flashing lights appeared in the glass windows of our appartment. i wonder how this whole dinner is going to go tomorrow. it might be a complete bust or it might go well. i told mom i invited jim over for dinner tomorrow and she was so overwhelmed like she had to put on a broadway production for this man. i dont want her to expect too much from laura, and i told ma that i only invited him over to simply meet laura and to have dinner. i told her what type of guy jim is, he used to be very popular and well known around school, he played sports, he studies enginnering and public speaking and takes nigh classes, and he also makes eighty five dollars and hour. knowing my mother she is going to go above and beyond to try to sway him.
friday:
today went terribly. at first everything was fine and dandy. mom talked jims ears off, put on one of her old dresses from god knows when, and she looked pathetic. jim danced with laura i thought that was nice, but then he ended up breaking her favorite glass animal. this didnt even get her upset like it usually would have which made it known that she had feelings and hope for him. he also kissed her and then i thought it was a sealed deal until he breaks the news that he is engaged. i could hardly believe it engaged? i had no idea and if i knew i wouldnt have invited him over in the first place. laura was hurt and i could tell. but jim did give her hope and confidence which i think laura needed. mom accused me of playing a joke on them but i truely didnt know and i would never make laura look bad in front of anyone. she provoked me to do it i didnt up and leave on my own. but i did leave and i left because i just couldnt take it anymore. the constant critiism and judgement all the time. does my mother not understand that im trying, and that everything i do i do it for the family, and your going to taunt me to leave the house.
saturday:
i left because i needed to. i left for me. i didnt pay the light bill because i wanted to spend some money on myself. im living with jim and his fiance for a couple days until i get situated in a place. im glad i left and im glad i was able to show mom that i dont need her and that she needs me. the only reason i would even think of going back was for laura. she is apart of my heart and i dont like the way mom influences her and i dont like the decisions that she makes for her. but im not looking back. im going to worry about myself for a change. im going to do things my way. im going to focus on my writing career, and try to make a living for myself while still living life. i know i can do it because i have lived with my mother my whole life and i have supported her, my sister, and myself. so i can pursue my career and take care of myself as well. and when im on my feet and am going to go back and look after laura and make sure she is okay.
today has been as stressfull as always my mother wont stop nagging me and work wasnt that easy either. I get so overwhelmed all the times because mom trys to control my life, i can wait for the day i just leave this place for good and dont need to worry about meeting her standards again. she is a hypocrate. she always wants me to do things for her and he doesnt do anything back in return, i cant even sit down at the dinner table and eat the food that i bought without her complaining about the way i eat. i know dad left her and broke her heart and chance of being someobody but that doesnt mean you take it out on me your son, who believe it or not loves you. if i didnt care and if i didnt love her i would have left a long time ago just like my father but im better then that. im a better person but if this keeps going on im going to leave for good.
monday:
today is the start of the week and i just got home from work. i went out on the fire escape just to escape from the reality of my life and smoke. the feeling of being trapped in a box that is compilled with bubble rap and tightly sealed with tape is how i feel living here. its like there is no way out even when im on the fire escape i still feel trapped inside. i wish someone understood me and how i feel. i want to be young and have fun like every one else my age. i want to hang out on the weekends and come in late and not get questioned by anyone. that would be the perfect life for me. this is not how i want to live my life i dont want to grow up this fast. when i get older i dont want it to be like this. i want to be a cleaned upgentlemen with a nice job and a car, and maybe even a women to call my own. thats all just a normal life with normal rituals and normal expectactions. I want to have kids someday and build my own family, move out of st. louis and have a nice house in the country somewhere away from all the chaous.
tuesday:
today i went to take a load off. i have been stressed passed my limit and i wanted to feel like a young adult again. so i told mom i went to the movies but i really went to the bar and had a couple beers. it made me feel normal again and i like that feeling. i felt free and young. i told her i was going to the movies because she wouldnt aprove of me going out drinking. i know this and i feel like my mother trys to control me. we argue everyday and when i feel like going out for a drink just for a day i have to tell her im going to the movies just to save another argument. shes holding me back from enjoying my years of young adulthood.
wednesday:
today i cant stop thinking about my sister laura. she is such a calm girl that is always in her own little world how does she do this in the messed up world we live in. mom is always on her about finding gentlemen callers and getting her someone to marry. i think she is just being selfish, but hey anyone that can take my position im happy with. ma asked me to look for a man that can potentially marry my sister and thats not an easy job. its my little sister for crying out loud this is not someone i can hook up with anybody. i talked to jim earlier at work and told him that we were having a dinner at my house later and i invited him over i didnt tell him the expectations of him wanting to marry my sister because i didnt want to scare him away. . hes the only guy i've heard associated with my sister in highschool and so i think this will be a good opportunity for laura to charm him into marriage maybe. i mean laura is kind of an irregular girl shes not like all the rest of the girls at her age she stays to herself, doesnt bother people, and plays with her glass figures. thats it. i dont know how this dinner will go but i know laura will enjoy herself and thats all that matters.thursday:
thank good the week is almost over. one more day before the weekend. my mother keeps nagging me about my smoking habbits and its making me so annoyed. if i want to smoke let me smoke it is the only time i feel one with myself and the world. i had to step out onto the fir escape and all i could hear was the dance hall music from the club that was underneath us. i could see couples kissing and even the reflection of the flashing lights appeared in the glass windows of our appartment. i wonder how this whole dinner is going to go tomorrow. it might be a complete bust or it might go well. i told mom i invited jim over for dinner tomorrow and she was so overwhelmed like she had to put on a broadway production for this man. i dont want her to expect too much from laura, and i told ma that i only invited him over to simply meet laura and to have dinner. i told her what type of guy jim is, he used to be very popular and well known around school, he played sports, he studies enginnering and public speaking and takes nigh classes, and he also makes eighty five dollars and hour. knowing my mother she is going to go above and beyond to try to sway him.
friday:
today went terribly. at first everything was fine and dandy. mom talked jims ears off, put on one of her old dresses from god knows when, and she looked pathetic. jim danced with laura i thought that was nice, but then he ended up breaking her favorite glass animal. this didnt even get her upset like it usually would have which made it known that she had feelings and hope for him. he also kissed her and then i thought it was a sealed deal until he breaks the news that he is engaged. i could hardly believe it engaged? i had no idea and if i knew i wouldnt have invited him over in the first place. laura was hurt and i could tell. but jim did give her hope and confidence which i think laura needed. mom accused me of playing a joke on them but i truely didnt know and i would never make laura look bad in front of anyone. she provoked me to do it i didnt up and leave on my own. but i did leave and i left because i just couldnt take it anymore. the constant critiism and judgement all the time. does my mother not understand that im trying, and that everything i do i do it for the family, and your going to taunt me to leave the house.
saturday:
i left because i needed to. i left for me. i didnt pay the light bill because i wanted to spend some money on myself. im living with jim and his fiance for a couple days until i get situated in a place. im glad i left and im glad i was able to show mom that i dont need her and that she needs me. the only reason i would even think of going back was for laura. she is apart of my heart and i dont like the way mom influences her and i dont like the decisions that she makes for her. but im not looking back. im going to worry about myself for a change. im going to do things my way. im going to focus on my writing career, and try to make a living for myself while still living life. i know i can do it because i have lived with my mother my whole life and i have supported her, my sister, and myself. so i can pursue my career and take care of myself as well. and when im on my feet and am going to go back and look after laura and make sure she is okay.
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